The Chandler’s Wife

Another song Tim uses to get the room participating.  The X X X in each verse represents clapping your hands or knocking on the table, alluding to the act being referred to in the story. It comes from an older song from the late 19th century called, “Rap-A-Tap-Tap” in which a farm labourer takes advantage of his master’s absence to make love to the farmer’s wife.
-We hand’t been in bed but a half an hour or more,
-Before she played me so pretty a tune I thought she’d never give o’er,
-Saying “This won my heart for ever, your Master’s no man for me,
-For he can’t come with a ****, not half so well as thee!”
And when the master returns from market, he treats his servant to beer for minding his business “as though he’d been at home”.

Jos. Morneault


As I went into the chandler’s shop some candles for to buy,
I looked around the chandler’s shop but no one did I spy.
I was disappointed and some angry words I said,
|: When I heard the sound of a X X X right above my head. :|

Well being slick and very quick, right up the stairs I sped,
And much to my surprise I found the chandler’s wife in bed;
And with her was another man of most gigantic size,
|: And they were having a X X X  right before my eyes.  :|

Well when the fun was over and done the lady raised her head,
She was quite surprised to find me standing by the bed.
“If you will be discreet, my lad, if you would be so kind,
|: I’ll let you come up for some X X X whenever you feel inclined.” :|

So, many a day and many a night when the chandler wasn’t home,
To get myself some candles to the chandler’s shop I would roam.
But nary a one she gave to me, but gave to me instead,
|: A little bit more of the X X X to light my way to bed. :|

So listen all you married men, if ever you go to town,
If you must leave your woman alone, be sure to tie her down.
Or, if you would be kind to her, just lay her right there on the floor,
|: And give her so much of that X X X she doesn’t want any more.  :|